I personally believe that there comes a time when one just looks around and realizes that things have got to change.
The only question is: will I be able to change everything that I know I have to?
I just don’t know right now…
You know, it’s hard enough for someone to be fully open about their sexuality if they’re not “normal”; if they’re not straight.
I’m bisexual, and I hid it for years because I was afraid of what people might think. Recently, I stopped being afraid, and I stopped hiding my true self.
Up to this point, I haven’t encountered any major issues with people accepting me for who I am. Most people actually admitted they expected it and believed it was about time that I was open about it.
Yet today, my brother said something that REALLY hurt me.
“I am ashamed of you. I’m sick of hiding it.”
For once in my life, I am finally happy about being me, and then my youngest brother throws this at me. I never knew that being myself would make my own flesh and blood become ashamed of me.
And this is honestly tearing me up inside…
And here we go for another round, and already I can’t help but wonder if it’s finally going to last this time. Hopefully the agreement to not be as close will work and pull us through. I don’t want to be as close anymore. It’s too painful. But after today, I can’t help but wonder if this is going to work either. I keep hoping it will. I don’t want her gone forever. But I don’t want anymore pain either - I don’t want to feel it, nor do I want to cause it.
I’ve said this so many times before - wish me luck world. I’m going to need it.
You know, if I could grant your wish, I would…
You said that you truly wish I hated your guts right now.
And honestly, so do I…
Because I know that if I could possibly hate you, I wouldn’t have to fight with myself to not talk to you.
I know that if I could possibly hate you, I would actually be able to sleep instead of lying awake in the dead of night with nothing but silence and my own thoughts to haunt me. And when I do sleep, I have nightmares that haunt me even more than my own thoughts, so I keep myself awake until in between four and five every night - because I’m afraid to sleep if I can, but I’m also afraid to turn off the lights and try because I fear my own thoughts whenever I do.
I know that if I could possibly hate you, I’d be able to sleep peacefully and dream…
But I know that I could never hate you, even if I wanted to, and so, I torture myself and cut you from my life in hoping that I’ll eventually be okay.
Yet deep down inside, the only thing I want to do right now is talk to you, because not talking to you makes me want to talk to you even more.
But I know better. I know that you’re the last person on this planet I should be thinking about, let alone talking to.
Oh my god, my head is killing me…
Well, today begins the dawning of a new Era in my life.
And wow, does that ever sound over-dramatic.
But I have several reasons for saying I’m in a “new Era”.
The first being my new job. I have left Stream (last night was my last shift), and today, I began working for ICT. The price of gas was my main reason for doing so, as I had to drive half an hour or more to get to Stream, when ICT is only a mere ten minutes away. Not even.
Beyond that, after over two years and eight months of the same job, it was about time for a change. I’m going to miss all of my co-workers at Stream so much, but it was the right thing to do.
The second reason for this new Era is the fact that one of the most important people in my life will no longer be present. This was mutually agreed upon for the better, and the details will remain private, but life will most certainly be different without her, but I know I’ll be fine. Hell, I may even be better than fine. Only time will tell.
And in other news, I will soon be getting inked!
That’s right!
I wanna see my first tattoo come to life on my left arm within the coming weeks, and, for those of you who know me well enough, it will come as no surprise that I’ve chosen Nightwish lyrics for my first inking.
“All I wish is to dream again…”
Taken from Nemo, these lyrics mean SOOOOOOOOOOO much to me, and they’re perfect for my first tattoo.
Funny story - my mother told me not to get any names. Whose fucking name would I be stupid enough to get, eh? She did say “Mum” was acceptible, tho. Haha. Not for this one. Maybe in the future. Who knows, really?
Cheers!
Well, my outlook of posting things online has most certainly changed - with regards to content on websites and such.
Recently a friend of mine told me that they had a tattoo design done up for them by a close friend, who posted it online and asked that it NOT be used by anyone other than the one it was designed for. This request was not honoured and at least three people admitted to having this tattoo done.
Also, one of my best friends is a photographer. She has stopped displaying her pictures online because she has had her work stolen before and has had someone else claim it as their own, something she does not want to see happening again.
This got me thinking - what about my writing?
What is there to prevent some random person from coming along, copying one of my poems or stories, and claiming it as their own?
I’m nearly 19 years-old, so I by no means have the money to go and sue them for doing so, and even if I could, what proof do I have that the particular piece of work is even mine? Sometimes I have handwritten and dated copies, but then again, whoever stole my work could simply write it out themselves and date it earlier than my original and then make me look like the thief.
I know it’s possible I’m over-exagerating a little, but I’d feel more comfortable knowing my work is safe in my own hands and not in the hands of someone else claiming it to be theirs.
You know, the last time I checked, a “true” friend is someone who’s there for you no matter what whenever you need them. Whether it’s because you’re emotionally unstable or because you’re having problems with MSN and need some assistance, a “true” friend would be there to help in any way possible, no questions asked.
BUT THIS JUST IN!
Apparently a “true” friend is now supposed to put fooling around with their significant other before helping a friend in need. This is most certainly news to me.
And to think, I’ve actually been trying to figure out why we’ve been falling apart…
How is it that one can lose something so dear to their heart and not shed a single tear, yet weep when remembering things long since past?
It makes no sense to me.
And surprisingly, I don’t want it to make sense either…
Confusion.
Is it possible for someone to feel happy and also feel like their world is falling apart at the same time?
For if that’s a possibility, then welcome to my world.
I just really don’t know what to do.
It’s almost as if something’s going wrong in every direction I look.
But yet I’m not totally miserable.
I’m happy.
And it makes no sense.
Gah!
Listen here,
You’re the ones who forced me to leave my bedroom and move into a cramped and smaller space. You’re the ones making me never want to come home anymore because I feel like stranger in my own home. You’re the ones causing all of the shit that’s going on around here.
SO YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO FUCKING GET AFTER ME!
I don’t give a flying fuck if I wake you up every night when I get home. I don’t give a flying fuck if I can’t walk across my room without you two hearing my every move.
GUESS WHAT?!
You’re the ones who fucking put me here, so you can fucking LIVE WITH IT!
If you don’t want me here, you can put me back in the room I recently vacated where I was perfectly happy. If you don’t want me here, you can pay to have me move out and live somewhere else. You’re the ones who forced this upon me, so you’re the ones who have to deal with the fucking consequences!
I’M SICK OF ALL THIS SHIT!